Trust

My philosophy on trust, mostly referring to friendships. Trust is earned and given at the same time.

Why College Friendships Run Deep

College is the easiest and best place to make close friends for life, because it's easier to build trust. So many good and bad things happen in college when students grow and learn — this makes the friends that stick around and support each other extremely valuable. Strong bonds are formed when people go through shit together, and help each other up. The deep connection of mutual understanding and shared experiences can't be matched.

After college, people enter into a work life which is much more stable and seldom has big changes. This doesn't give much opportunity for new friends to take part in someone's life, which makes bonding and gaining trust harder. Additionally, college life boasts a wide and diversified pool of people, and people are more likely to meet someone who has a very different path than them in this setting, while work restricts the people one meets greatly.

One other reason that makes gaining trust and building friendships after college difficult is the factor of interest. In a work or networking setting, anyone that approaches or seeks to connect usually comes with a purpose. Quoting the Eurythmics song "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)":

Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

The existence of intentions makes it hard to form genuine relationships that focus on supporting each other without asking for returns. College is the place where you are most likely to meet a wide variety of people that don't have a conflict of interest with you and aren't seeking anything from you. Hence trust is easier to build in college where people don't have their guard up and are always being cautious.

That said, I'm not slapping away the possibilities of becoming friends with someone you meet through intentions. In this situation, it largely depends on the personalities and the positions of power. Both sides need to be genuine and make an effort to form trust.

Building Trust After College

That being said, it's still very possible to form deep and lasting relationships after or outside of college, although the conditions are much stricter. I believe the biggest factor is the personalities of both sides — often both need to be able to open up and talk about their past difficult times and meet in the middle for understanding. Sharing experiences, life views, and philosophical debate is the most efficient way to get to know someone and understand their world. Through this process, trust is gained bit by bit. It's also helpful if one side voluntarily initiates the process and shares the first story.

Most people love listening to stories, especially ones with epic journeys, psychologically because these stories can inform them of what to be aware of and what is nice.

Disclosing Insecurities

Disclosing insecurities is a powerful move. It suggests great trust from the side telling it. Being able to disclose insecurities is a sign of strength — both in the sense of being able to talk about it in the first place, and being able to trust someone with it. From the receiving side, it means a lot because they are finally trusted with one of the most deep and dangerous secrets of the other.

This type of exchange boosts trust on both sides and strengthens the bond greatly. Friends that reach this level would protect and support each other's soft sides in life. Having someone to defend and shield your insecurities is a very, very fortunate and lucky thing.

What Trust Feels Like

Trusting someone completely often means that you can be very comfortable with them and express your true self. There's no need to perform or always maintain posture. Being comfortable in someone's presence also means that they allow you into their close vicinity and don't mind when you are physically close, because they trust you.

For introverts, socializing and talking to people they don't know well consumes their energy. But with people they trust, they would either consume less energy or even regenerate energy when spending time together. This is because they wouldn't have to actively make an effort in socializing or be presentable — they can just be their most true self and relax. Similarly, for extroverts, sometimes they still need to put on their greeting face for others, but there's no need to do so in front of the people they trust, which is also a relief. It's a fortunate thing to have someone you can be your true self in front of.

Friends for Life

I believe when trust and understanding reaches a certain level, the connection becomes so secure that it cannot be weakened by time. This is what I call friends for life. Even though two friends are on opposite sides of the world and haven't talked or met for a very long time, it would be like they never left when they meet again. I consider this to be the most "romantic" and precious of friendships. There will be so many stories shared at the reunion, and instant understanding of what the other has been through — maybe accompanied by some tears and hugs.